Mom went to bed early and Dad was out on the porch, so Benny and I got stuck with the sink full of plates.
He dried and I washed, the way we'd split it since he got tall enough to reach the cupboard.
Benny: You're quiet tonight.
Josie: I'm always quiet. I'm a mystery.
Benny: No you're not. You're the loudest person in this house.
Josie: That's Dad. I'm the mysterious one.
Benny: Can I ask you something, and you don't make it a joke?
Josie: No.
Benny: That's not how questions work.
Benny: Are you scared about the ceremony?
I kept my hands in the water so I had a good reason not to look at him.
Josie: Scared of what? The chairs? I hear the chairs are lovely this year.
It came out easy. It always does.
Benny: You know what I mean.
Josie: Do I?
Benny: He's going to be Alpha in front of the whole pack. And you're going to be standing right there.
Josie: I'm the mechanic. I get to stand near the truck. It's a whole thing.
Benny: You're the one person in this pack who might have to stand next to him.
Josie: I'd stand next to a wet dog if there was free food.
Benny: Josie. I'm being serious and you keep doing the thing.
I put the plate down. That was the closest I could get to giving him an answer.
Josie: Fine. A little. The dumb kind, like being scared of a test you already know you'll pass.
That was a lie, and I said it smooth, which made it worse.
Benny: You don't have to be scared of him. Dane's a jerk, but he's not cruel.
Josie: Nobody's cruel until they get the chance.
Benny: Whatever he is, it's not about you.
Josie: Everything's about me. I'm the main character.
He threw the towel at my head and I laughed, and the whole thing slid back under the surface where I keep it.
I went up after that, and the house went quiet the way it does when everyone is pretending to be asleep.
My window was open, and the mountain was making its mountain noises, wind through the pines, that little creak in the gutter.
I lay there and did what I always do, which is check whether a joke still works when nobody's listening.
It didn't.
Here's the thing about the ceremony.
When Dane said the words, he'd be looking at the whole pack. And the pack would be looking back.
Somewhere in all that, he'd look at me.
He'd be in the dark formal coat with the collar, and his shoulders would fill it, and I'd notice, because I always noticed.
That was the dumbest part. My body had opinions my head never agreed to.
The fates pick one person for you. Mine hadn't turned up yet, or maybe he had and just hadn't said it out loud.
I was fine with waiting. Waiting is safe.
What I wasn't fine with was the part after. The part where he looks at me and decides.
I could take a lot of things. Being looked at and found short was not one of them.
I told myself it was a dumb thing to be scared of at my age, with a roof and a family and a job nobody else could do.
Then I thought about the way Benny had gone quiet, and the way Dad said I didn't quit.
All of it was love that had never once been tested. I lay there and let the fear have the room until the sky went gray.