I wake with my throat closed and my hands twisted in the blanket.
The nightmare had hands in it. It always has hands.
Then the smell of grease and old paper comes back to me. The salvage office. Mossgate.
The door is open. Ryland is standing in it, still in his cut, still in his boots, like he never went to bed.
Ryland: You were screaming.
Maela: I'm fine.
He crosses the room and sits on the edge of the cot. The whole thing dips under his weight.
Ryland: Breathe. Come on. With me.
*He came,* my wolf whispers. *He came for us.* I hate how fast my body listens to him.
His hand finds my jaw. His thumb moves once along the scar on my neck, light, careful.
Ryland: Maela...
I don't know who moves first. Maybe me. Maybe him. Then his mouth is on mine and it is not careful anymore.
He kisses me like he's been holding it back for years. Teeth, tongue, my name in his chest.
I get my fingers in his shirt and pull. He groans into my mouth and I feel it everywhere.
The desk is right there. He lifts me onto it and the papers go everywhere.
His hand slides up my thigh, under my shorts.
Ryland: Tell me you want this.
Maela: I want this. Please.
His fingers find my clit and I stop breathing for a whole different reason.
He rubs slow circles and watches my face the whole time. I'm already wet. I can hear it.
Ryland: That's it. Don't hold back on me.
My hips jerk and I dig my nails into his shoulder and come with a broken sound.
He swears under his breath. Then his jeans are open and his cock is thick and hot in my hand.
Ryland: Fuck. Look at you.
He pushes into me slow, and I take all of him.
The desk hits the wall with every thrust. I don't care. Nobody's here.
Maela: Ryland... oh god.
After, he doesn't let go right away. His forehead is against mine, both of us breathing hard.
I put my hand on his chest and I let myself hope. That's my mistake.
*He held us,* my wolf says. *He chose us.*
Then he goes still. His whole body turns cold in one second.
He pulls out. He steps back. He zips up and won't look at me.
Maela: Ryland?
Ryland: You're Fintan's sister.
Maela: What?
Ryland: You're Fintan's sister. That's what you are. That's all you are.
The words go into me slow and cold, like a blade sliding in.
Maela: You kissed me.
Ryland: I know what I did.
Ryland: This was a mistake. You were crying and I was here. That's it.
A mistake. Fuck. He said it right to my face.
Ryland: Get some sleep. We forget this happened.
The door shuts behind him. My wolf howls so hard I have to hold on to the desk.
I sit there in the dark, half undressed, his smell still all over my skin.
Wanting me while I was breaking was not the same as choosing me.
I know that now. It just came too late to save me from hoping.
*He wanted us,* my wolf whimpers in the back of my head.
I don't answer her. I don't have an answer.
Distance is survival. I learned that once already. Looks like I get to learn it again.
My hands are still shaking. This time it's not from the nightmare.
If he ever says he wanted me, I'll be long gone.